If you live a life guided by wisdom, you won’t limp or stumble as you run.  Proverbs 4:12, NLT

    I’ve talked often about our negativity bias—the tendency we have to see things through a negative filter. And really, while it’s so easy to focus on what’s wrong, does it make sense to think about how bad something or someone is, talk about it in a negative or disparaging way, and then hope for improvement? I mean, we do this all the time!

     I will focus on the things in my marriage that don’t look the way I want them to, whine to my friend(s), and then hope that my husband will get better, so I won’t be so unhappy! Seriously?! We almost enjoy wallowing in our negative emotions sometimes. That’s what my clients do—come to talk about how frustrated, angry, and unhappy they are about the stuff in their lives. They (and I do it too) nurse a grudge against someone who did or said something hurtful, or sulk in response to being disappointed. But after a while,  how is this helpful? Will that negative emotion move me toward the life or relationship I want? Will it help me reach my goal? In fact, that is the question: what is your goal?

     In the book The 4:8 Principle, Life Coach, Tommy Newberry, writes: “I bombard my clients with this question for the purpose of activating their God-given reasoning and decision-making. Your goal should act as a filter, eliminating words, behaviors, and other emotional responses that oppose it.”

     This is genius! “What is your goal?” So I have been doing this exercise even with my teenage clients (and it’s good):

     Name the three most difficult situations in your life that you would like to see change.  [Fill in the box on the left]

     What is your goal—the positive outcome that you would prefer to see in each of these? [Fill in the box on the right.]

     Name one thing you can do to move you toward that goal. [Write this in the box in the middle.]

     For example, one teenager said that her relationship with her father was terrible. Her goal was that they would get along better. She said that maybe she can initiate one conversation a day with him where she would choose not to be sarcastic or negative. (Something as simple as, “How is work going, dad?”] I love this! It’s easy to make a blanket statement about being more loving or more positive, but when we break it down into a small step toward what we specifically want, we can then begin to see progress.

*Will you try this exercise with at least one of your difficult situations?

Lord, in Your Word You say to look at what is good and lovely and praiseworthy. I admit when I only look at the negative, my circumstances feel very discouraging. Help me define the goal that You have for me in each of these challenges. Show me how to honor You in my “words and deeds.” I want my life to be guided by Your wisdom. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.


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